Torn

Feels like paper

Torn into multiple pieces

Incapable of reading

Unable to recapture the masterpiece of words and rhythms

Written intermittently

Preface was you and me

Climax was effortlessly

Reached by us both indeed

Mental famine

As my emotions feast on this significant piece

That held me captured in every ingredient

Of your well written chapter

Flipping through the book

Of a single page

Illicit laughter

Danger was after our words

 To distort the subject matter of it

A story of hurt narratively told

Selfishly bold

Echoing in the back

Of my mind

The reason of destruction will show itself in time

Looks like a piece of paper to some

Stuck to the wet cement of tears

Wilting with un-recognition

It’s my heart.

Can I..

The arrogance of my ego at times baffles me. This is a poem that humbles my heart to a desire 

Can I

Can I have his smile, before he physically walks up to me.

Can I hear his laugh before he says "hi"

Can I hold his hand before he holds mine

and he kisses my wrist, instantly our energies intertwine

Can we walk side by side 

and I not dare to dream

that this fast forwarded into another century and we were..

"We"

Headed down a aisle-land 

on clear beaches, and white sand

Can I get all this from the touch of your hand?

Can I get used to this feeling

and you chose to forever understand

Can I get lost  with no way back?

Can chemistry be our road map?

Can I have all these things 

and when I feel I do

And when this feeling wilts...

Can I walk away from this?

Can I give back that smile he gave

knowing I was never for him

and he was never for me

yeah.

Just. LoVE

In this large world of ours, there is a common denominator in us all. Love. In its purest form, it is absolutely un-ordinary. Many have fought for it, some against it. However the energy of its molecular structure will never change. It is a challenge that in most times faces no immediate gratification, as it resides in the midst of hate. Heavy huh?  Well thats what makes it one of the hardest things to do, and accept. For that exemplary reason, we have unrealistic movie endings, incessant amounts of love songs, thus creating widely misconstrued perceptions of it.
 However, the vast trenches of this subject  have compelled me to write out some of my thoughts regarding the generalities, and due to all of the advice I have voluntarily and involuntarily been forced to give over the past few weeks, I hope this helps someone.First things first, house rules. I do not profess to be a educator of love, an anchor of great love stories, or an emotional exile, fresh off the boat from the seas of the heart. I am an enthusiast, a realist, a dedicator to a belief that people naturally attract what they are. If I had nickel for how many times Ive heard a friend, overheard a co-worker, or even said myself, "Why do I consistently fall for the same thing." Id be a multi-millionaire, who could PAY for love (Ill return to this). Heck, if I took a class for each  mistake Ive made with the opposite sex, I'd be a genius. Naive, maybe. Without fault, hardly. We as people welcome into our lives similar characteristics of what we are and what we want to be. I like to call it a gravitational mirror.The Law of Attraction speaks when our admission of fault does not. Just like life, to have something you've never have, you gotta do something you've never done before.This is true in finding love as well. Carrying along the same "game plan" and same "tools" wont work. Think about it would you use a butter knife on a steak, or a steak knife on bread? No. It is imperative to be well-equipped when on this battlefield of love and war.  This may mean, trying something you've never done before to get results better than your previous. I am a firm believer, and abolitionalist of  the 'little nickel that could' syndrome. Too many times the mirror plays tricks and has one thinking they are more than they really are, so in turn, they go looking for a dime, when in reality they were only a little nickel that 'thought they could, thought they could' until the smoke clears, they realize they cant. Cant aim for something higher without investing in adequate change in themselves.People get used, feelings get hurt, and they are back to square one asking "Why does this happen to me all the time?" We have all seen that case, so lets learn from others mistakes and cease production of our own, in that aspect.
Now I have spent alot of time speaking of getting to the point of readiness to love, but wait. Lets put principle to the practice, and back it up with sound advice. God commanded us to love. 
"Love thy neighbor as thyself","Treat others the way you want to be treated"
The human nature is to put self first, God knew this, this is why he stresses the importance. If we treated others half as good as we treat ourselves, there would be no such thing as broken hearts over a unfaithful lover. The love of self would not stand a chance against the love of someone else. The love of self would feel ashamed to let someone down, to neglect the life of a child that may be yours, to walk away from a disease stricken person, without any compassion. This brings me to one of the most important points. We have been endowed with consciouses, that still small voice that helps us make sound decisions when our flesh wants to go left, so in turn, we help feed that hungry child, or donate blood to save another life. That still small voice holds a mass of the matter in which my whole blog tries to orate. Love. Love kicks in when the destructive endorphin of our high-strung ego's, impatience, selfishness, could wind us in major trouble. With this love thing we can be sure that our efforts are never looked at in vain. When we had done all we can, we cant get it right, we have an example. We have no excuse to continue the connection of pain, in a detrimental cycle for whomever in its path. "For I am confident in this very thing, that He who began a good work in you, will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ."- Phillipians 1:6
Use this as confirmation, to love as if your life depends on it. Nothing becomes of fear but stagnancy. Its no coincidence that love contains 4 of the 6 letters to the word EVOLVE, because without its presence, there is no growth.  With arms wide open, you were loved. Love on someone else, God will perfect the rest.  Just Love.

Cast your cares......

Toss. Turn.. Toss. Turn
My normal night in review. Sleeping to me is like going into the ring with Mike Tyson , not even in his "prime", but like as he is now, and thinking I have a chance in combating this MASSIVE obstruction. Not so Much. On a good night, I m able to "hold my own" by "rope- a doping" at the most maybe 4 hours. Then I back up. So, as probably 90% of Americans, I use tranquilizers to aid in the process of sleep. Hey, I gotta win the fight the best way I know how. However, in the indulgence of, I tend to awaken the next morning groggy and irritable so it just puts me back at square one. This morning however, rising at 3am, I felt different. I felt refreshed, I felt called.
As I type this, keep in mind that it is ONLY 5:45am. and unfulfilled with the normality of flipping through channels of infomercials, I shut the t.v off. Shielding the light of the laptop from my bedtime "companion" with a pillow, she still tosses and turns.. and snores.. so I'm gonna make this quick.
As I think about some of the things that come into our lives that are viewed as "surprises": People, financial woes, troubles at work, they are never "surprises" to God. However, for me, this revelation comes costly. after receiving a text from my financial institution advising me of a misc debit to my account today.  I'm 24, I forgot a charge, so what.. sounds normal right?? Contrary. Being such the "tightwad" I am, I manage money  tighter than the U.S Mint. And anyway, never having signed up for any direct payment draft, with this "merchant", this left me scratching my head (after a few "F" bombs were released of course). So back to my point. I with my own eyes could not for-see this issue. It was not a "Oversight". I was wrongfully charged. Victimized someone say..wait its election season right.. yeah. *taps chin* "The MAN" trying to catch me slipping, distract my mind from voting (lol,) However, in my latter chain of reasoning, this is my point, just like we cannot for-see car woes, layoffs at work, sick relatives, we should not forget God is in Control, and his mistake tally card is infinity to NONE. HE makes no errors. (unlike the boys in Silver and Blue- stupid Cowboys)
Anyway, after that text was sent the second thing I did, outside of rant and rave, I looked online at my bank statement, sure enough... A pending charge I dont even owe.  That was validation to the text. Now it was layed out in front of my eyes, time, date, merchant, amount. Now what?
After the validation, my defenses kick in, where are all my receipts, was there any phone calls, did I actually owe the money? Now I am in "analytical" mode. Out of denial, out of irrationalness,  and into detective. Women are already equipped with "Go-Go Gadget" capabilities, so I'm Prosecuting and defending at the same time in my mind. Did I stop to pray. Probably not.
I went to sleep with a pouted out lip and a unsettling conscious, blaming "The MAN" for again, conspiring some way to jip us hardworking individuals. But I didn't pray. I didn't ask God to do anything, It didn't reach me through my anger to do so. In the back of my conscious the urge was there to do so, but whats an urge without action? Oh, I know, a thought. I was so instilled in my own "plans", I didn't even think. Not praying in the middle of confusion is the equivalent of having a translator in a foreign land, but "shushing" them while they try to protect you from harm.
What a waste of power huh? Having the ability to ask the ONE who has everything to help with the smallest things is ignorant. Is God a bank, and Jesus the teller? No. We must come to HIM not only when we need, but to ween our lives in SYNC with His plans. (Theres that word again). But thats another blog.
Jesus died not only so we could live, but live abundantly, through him. Yet here I am living poor through me. Ha! When all I had to do was give the problem to him, and he would do JUST what he said. His word never returns void. Apparently mine returns as an "Overdraft". How many of us are overdrawn? How many of us are tired of "surprises" popping" up. Well, lemme tell you, nothing in this life is "Coincidental" with an Omnipotent God. You think he turns HIS back when our car stops on the freeway? You think he's keeping watch over the "Joneses" when were getting a pink slip? Or looking in China when our child is suddenly ill. No. God is directing us. God is setting us into positions that by our own "GPS" has gotten us off track. (Theres a "G" in front for a reason...God!!) God's Positioning System. How many of us are riding with it?

"Cast your cares upon God..."
"Let not your heart be troubled..."
"Trouble doesn't last always..."
"He will Renew your strength..."

I dont know about you, but without the promise of waking up tomorrow, Im gonna take control over what I prioritize the night before. I will Pray. In saying this, I was awakened at 3:00am this morning for no other reason besides this. God had a message for me, waiting on me with a special invitation, and I truly believed He whispered to my heart this morning and wanted me to share this. Being on the hunt for my purpose will involve helping others, it has to. Whoever comes along for the ride will know Ill forever be chasing after God. What am I if not a vessel for the Lord. I encourage you to search for your purpose.On your travels, God will take care of the excess baggage.
Top of the Morning to ya.
God Bless.

Introducing....

It hasn't been until the last 5 months that I have constantly, consecutively woke up with the same thought on my mind. What can I do today to help someone. This thought never seems to escape me, even when theres times, I cannot find relief for myself. Id be at my lowest, as my dad would say, without a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of.  However, this does not stop my drive from believing to KNOWING, that I have a greater work to do. The main thing that constantly combats my thoughts in times of recess are about my purpose. The 5 W's take a permanent dwelling in my cognition to reach a declaration. "Who (do I help), What  (makes me qualified), When (do I have time to commit to something ELSE), Where (will I get help to do these things), Why (is it on my heart so badly to act). And then there's "How" How can I finance the great ideas I have, how do I reach out to help others when my heart is not totally healed itself??

If you decide to follow my journey, my hunt,my drive to finding my purpose you will see my highs my lows, and in turn you will see my growth. You will constantly see me question myself and my abilities, prime example above, because this is so strongly placed on my heart, there are no limits I wont taunt to get to this ultimate goal. The one question I can answer with leisurely is  the"Why". Why? Because when God speaks to my heart, it is what he whispers to me. It is what he has been whispering to us all through Matt 28:19. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations...

As I gain assurance, confirmation, and healing, I am positive the hunt I am after will become ever present.

Stick along for the ride.